Autumn Saturday
Sept. 4, 2009
Henry James once wrote: “Summer afternoon, summer afternoon—the two most beautiful words in the English language.”
All due respect to old Hank, but I disagree.
Because the two most beautiful words in the English language are actually the following: “Autumn Saturday, Autumn Saturday.”
Yeah, I know, folks.
I know this Saturday is not technically an Autumn Saturday. According to the calendar, at least. Damn calendar.
But we college football fans know every college football Saturday is an Autumn Saturday. This coming one included. So, yeah, according to me, it is autumn.
Now, as you might imagine, Your Editor is fairly excited about the arrival of the first college football Saturday of the year. And when Your Editor gets excited, well, he tends to hatch fairly ambitious plans. I mean, if there is an occasion to celebrate, I will celebrate it to the best of my abilities. Because as the great modern-day philosopher Kris “Atlas” McBride once said: “If you’re going to love something, you might as well love the hell out of it.”
Which is exactly what I plan to do on Saturday. I will love the hell out of it.
I will wake (before dawn) to slurp down coffee, listen to my official 2009 TCFA Tailgating CDs (plenty of Kings of Leon this year, folks), read up on all of the college football news that went down in the seven hours between when I went to sleep (immediately following Big Ten Friday Night Tailgate) and awoke, and prepare an unnecessarily extravagant breakfast that Mrs. Your Editor will only pretend to like and Your Editor’s Children will not even touch.
I will prepare Bloody Mary’s (for Your Editor) and Mimosas (for Mrs. Your Editor) for consumption during ESPN College Gameday and (more importantly) Big Ten Cookout, starring Melanie Collins.
I will, eventually, begin pacing nervously in anticipation of Penn State-Akron. And cue up The Nittany Lion, of course.
I will send dozens of text messages and post dozens of Tweets (yes, TCFA is now on Twitter; follow me if you wish).
I will drink a Victory Hop Devil or two. Etc.
I will watch with great interest the following noon games: Ohio State-Navy. Minnesota Syracuse. Michigan-Western Michigan. And, yes, Penn State-Akron.
I will (hopefully) celebrate a Penn State win. I will call the folks back in Cleveland. I will chat it up with Atlas, Colleen and Nick Cerimele, Esq. I will check in with Former TCFA Champion Mike Unger and Unsouthern Southern Guy Brian Schleter, galavanting up in New York. I will ask Brian about Georgia-Okie State.
I will (sometime around 3:3o) take a deep breath and think, “Thank God for college football season.”
And then I will get on with the rest of the day: Smoking up some kind of meat product (suckling pig, anyone?) or seafood product (grilled clams, anyone?) while watching the late-afternoon games and firing off several hundred more texts and Tweets.
I will explain the intricacies of the Triple Option Offense to Young Jack. And Anna. And Baby Leah. And Mrs. Your Editor.
I will eventually eat dinner. An extravagant one, of course.
I will probably do some writing. While sipping a Hop Devil.
I will put the kids to bed, telling them stories of Paul Posluszny and Michael Robinson.
I will bid Mrs. Your Editor (by this point, tired of college football) farewell. And I will return to Your Editor’s Recliner (I'm getting old, folks) for the grand finale: Alabama-Virginia Tech.
Ah, the headliner. Tide-Hokies. In Atlanta.
I will watch SABAN.
I will send more texts. Sip more Hop Devil. Check out the Penn State highlights (assuming a win, of course)
And then I will begin to wonder: Where did the day go?
I will get tired.
And then ... that will be it.
Another Autumn Saturday in the books—another six-day wait until the next one.
Out And About: News And Notes You May Have Missed
• Don’t call either of the following statements “predictions,” folks. They’re just “statements of possibility.” Here goes: First, I think Jimmy Clausen actually has about a 5 percent chance of winning the Heisman Trophy (take a look at his stats from last season; also, remember, he’s the freaking quarterback at Notre Dame). Second, I think Nevada has a 25 percent chance of beating Notre Dame this weekend. Why do I think this? Well, here’s why: While Notre Dame’s offense has certainly improved over the past two years—this year’s unit should put up about 32 points a game, maybe more—the defense continues to, well, suck. With the notable exception of freshman linebacker Manti Te’o (who will be a star, whether he deserves it or not), Notre Dame Coach (For Now) Charlie Weis has simply not been able to recruit well on the defensive side of the ball. So here’s the deal: Notre Dame’s offense is probably of Top 10 vintage. It’s defense? Well, it’s essentially Purdue. And the bad news for the Irish is that Nevada will walk into hallowed Notre Dame Stadium on Saturday with one of the most explosive offensive attacks in the country. Yes, really. They will. It’s an attack keyed by quarterback Colin Kaepernick, a crafty signalcaller who is going to drive "T’eo" (insert Harry Belafante jokes here) and his fellow Irish defenders nuts. By the way, in case you care about such things (I don’t), Notre Dame is currently favored by 14 in this one. Hmm.
• Even though as a Penn State fan I am supposed to hate Ohio State—I try to (and am usually successful)—the fact remains that I was raised in Ohio. More specifically, I was raised on Ohio State football. And thank God for that, because if I grew up New York or some other such place, I probably would have been raised on the New York Jets (shudder) or some other awful NFL franchise. I make no bones about it folks: I love college football (at least in part) because I was raised in one of the greatest college football states in the country. And in the great state of Ohio, there is no greater tradition than “The Dotting of the I.” And it's a true tradition. Not a fake one. Up in Manhattan, well, they let just about anybody ring that bell to open the trading floor on the New York Stock Exhange. But out in Columbus, you’ve got to actually matter to “Dot the I." Throughout the entire history of Ohio State football (and, by extension, the history of the Universe) only three men who were not actually members of The Best Damned Band In the Land have "Dotted the I": Legendary Buckeye Coach (and TCFA Hall of Famer) Wayne Woodrow Hayes; comedian and Ohio native Bob Hope; and World’s Greatest Golfer (For Now) and Ohio native Jack Nicklaus. Well, on Saturday, one more man will be inducted into The Most Exclusive Club in the World: Astronaut John Glenn. The Buckeyes are playing Navy this weekend and Glenn, the first man to orbit the earth, is a former Navy pilot. So the timing is just right, see? But as Glenn is about to find out, "Dotting the I" is way more important than exploring boring old space. College football > space. By the way, folks, if you have the Big Ten Network, I encourage you to tune in for this one, at least to see the Buckeye faithful welcome the Middies into Ohio Stadium. Buckeye fans aren’t often accused of being “classy,” but on this day, I can assure you, they will treat Navy with the utmost respect. It will be a proud moment for college football, for Navy and for Ohio State.
• When it comes to our favorite college football teams, folks, we are all hopeless optimists. When we make our season predictions—predictions that inevitably end up at "9-3" or "10-2"—we never take into account the fact that you never win all the games you’re supposed to win. We never are willing to admit that our opponents may have actually improved from the year before. Nor are we willing to admit that our teams maybe aren’t as good as we think they are. All of which is fine. And normal. And natural. But then there are people like "Rutgers Al." I am most certain that you've never heard of Rutgers Al. But as a college football addict, I have. See, Rutgers Al is somewhat of an Internet legend. He is, essentially, the most famous Rutgers fan in the world—and also the most ridiculously optimistic. Want proof? Well, here goes. What follows is an excerpt from Rutgers Al’s "official" 2009 season preview, which he has been spreading through the ole’ Interweb like some kind of weird New Jersey-borne virus: “2009 sees a Rutgers Football team replete with talent, depth and experience, [a team] with the potential to join College Football's elite fraternity. I have Rutgers ranked third in my preseason poll, behind USC and Florida, but ahead of noted luminaries such as Texas, Oklahoma and Penn State. Rutgers will win in 2009 because we are among the deepest, most intelligent, best conditioned, best coached and most talented teams in the country.” Great job, Al! But just wait, folks. It gets better. After opining that Rutgers is “Harvard from Monday thru Friday, and USC on Saturday,” Rutgers Al concludes his preview thusly: “Given the caliber of players that Rutgers has successfully developed, I strongly feel that we would win the ACC, BIG XII and Big 10; will win the Big East; and would give Florida and USC all they could handle for the SEC and Pac 10 titles, respectively.” If only Rutgers Al was an SEC fan. He'd have a job at ESPN in no time.
Quick Hits: Straight And To The Point
• Former Big Ten Network star and future TCFA Hall of Famer Melanie Collins broke the hearts of Big Ten Network fans everywhere last winter when she announced she would be leaving The Worldwide Leader in Awesomeness to take a job covering the … NBA. [Insert: Image of Crestfallen Your Editor]. But I’ve got good news, folks, and I am no longer crestfallen. Because Melanie Collins is back! Yes! It’s true! Melanie will now be hosting a show called “Big Ten Cookout,” which will be about tailgating food. It sounds terrible. And yet it is now Your Editor’s No. 1 All-Time Favorite Show, edging out The Wire and Northern Exposure. Oh, and Big Ten Friday Night Tailgate.
• More bad news for the beleaguered city of Detroit, folks: The city’s already terrible bowl game, the Motor City Bowl, just got even worse. Because it’s no longer called the Motor City Bowl. It’s called the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, thanks to a new sponsorship agreement with (you guessed it) Little Caesars Pizza. Which is a brand of pizza that nobody eats. Said Little Caesars President David Scrivano: “What can go better with football than pizza?" There are just so many different answers to that question.
• This is kind of a dumb story, but I feel as though I should report it, so here goes: A grumpy Notre Dame alum has actually spent his hard-earned money (money that could have been used to, say, feed starving people in Africa) to post a billboard in South Bend mocking Notre Dame Coach (For Now) Charlie Weis. The billboard reads: “BEST WISHES TO CHARLIE WEIS IN THE 5TH YEAR OF HIS COLLEGE COACHING INTERNSHIP.” Asked to explain the weird phrasing of the utterly moronic billboard, Notre Dame alum Tom Reynolds (the man responsible) responded: “Considering the win-loss record of Coach Weis at Notre Dame, one would have to conclude he is serving an internship as a head coach of a college football team, which is defined as ‘any formal program to provide practical experience for beginners in an occupation or profession.’ Thus, the supportive internship-development sign of his efforts accurately summarizes his easily documentable learning situation.” Here’s a piece of advice, Tom: Get a @&$*&* life.
• So I’m sure y’all were wondering what the Big Ten Network had in store for you this season. Well, I’ve got answers. The following in an excerpt from A Midwesternly Awesome Press Release from the BTN that, I am guessing, must have been written by The Almighty (Jim Delany) himself. Because it is just so perfect. Writes The Almighty: “The Big Ten Network will debut several new programs this month, headlined by the ‘Football Four-Pack,’ a quartet of new studio shows that will air at 10 PM ET each Tuesday through Friday. Tuesday's show, Breakdown, will be hosted by Dave Revsine, Howard Griffith and Chris Martin.That show will use coaches' film to review what happened during last week's games and more importantly, why. Sites and Sounds will air on Wednesdays with Rick Pizzo and Troy Vincent, former Wisconsin defensive back and one of the network's new analysts. Former Big Ten head coaches Gerry DiNardo and Glen Mason will join Revsine on Thursday nights for Behind The Schemes to discuss the X's and O's of the coming week's games. Finally, on Fridays, Revsine will host Big Ten Football and Beyond along with DiNardo, Griffith, Chicago Tribune college football reporter Teddy Greenstein and Sports Illustrated's Cory McCartney to get a look at the national games that might affect the Big Ten.” I am so happy.
• As you’ll see when you finally get over to the Prognostications page, Your Editor has grown increasingly skeptical of Oklahoma State. Though the Cowboys return the best offensive trio in the country (Robinson-Hunter-Bryant) and though their head coach is a man who is 40, the fact remains that they are Oklahoma State. If ever there was a team (besides Ole Miss) that perfectly fits into the Clemson/Sparty profile, it is Okie State. And so I have determined that the ‘Boys have a zero percent chance of beating Georgia this week. Besides, according to folks in Stillwater, people have been tailgating for this game since, like, Tuesday. There's just way too much pressure. They cannot win. Said coach Mike Gundy, the man who is 40: “In Stillwater, everywhere you go, that’s all everybody is talking about. Everybody that walks by, that’s all they talk about. It’s good there’s a lot of excitement in the community.”
• Speaking of Stillwater … I am hoping the TCFA audience can enlighten us as to what life is actually like there. I am intensely curious. Last season I inquired about life in Lubbock, Texas, and we were all treated to a wonderful description of that quaint village by longtime reader Longhorn Chris Shelton. Chris told us of magical things—Elvises outsie of liquor stores, etc.—and so I am hoping Chris (or somebody else) might be able to offer a similarly detailed description of Stillwater, a place that I assume to be awesomely Oklahoman. Once again, though, folks, I would note that there are two questions that I would like answered before any others: First, is there water in Stillwater? Second, are there any tall buildings? These are the questions by which I measure all towns, cities, etc. Any detail beyond that is, as they say, icing on the cake. Or Elvises in front of the liquor store.
• As mentioned back in the Out and About section, tickets for the Ohio State-Navy game are in high demand. But I had to chuckle when I saw this piece in the Washington Post on Thursday. It was just one of those pieces that made me realize once more that people on the East Coast don't know crap about college football. The piece opens by mentioning that the Buckeyes-Middies game might draw the largest crowd in Ohio Stadium history, and hints strongly that the enormous interest among Navy fans was playing a huge role in that record crowd. But then there’s this, the last sentence of the story: “Dozens of former players are expected to attend, as well as 850 current Midshipmen.” Dozens? Dozens?
• A few years back, Mitch Mustain was the starting quarterback at Arkansas. The Big Man on Campus. The SABAN of Fayetteville. Then, for reasons that defy explanation, Mustain transferred to USC. And now? Well, he’s a redshirt junior and third-stringer for the Trojans. A castaway. Yesterday's news. The subject of the Eagles' early 1980s hit, "New Kid In Town." But don’t suggest to Mustain that—maybe, just maybe—leaving Arkansas was a bad idea. Nope. Mitch doesn't agree. In fact, he's holding out hope that just might end up the starter at USC before his time in Troy is up. As Mustain told the Los Angeles Times this week: “I’ll enjoy it here and just hope that I get that one opportunity and that I’m able to take it from there. It may be a long shot, but that’s what I have to believe. And if not, I’m prepared to go to the next level.” The next level of what? Crushing disappointment?